Things Keith’s parents definitely did while they were expecting him
~took turns throwing darts at a map to figure out where to have the birth so the baby isn’t documented and doesn’t get a birth certificate
~made a nursery with black walls, no windows, lots of lava lamps and neon signs, and a crib made out of cow bones
~made baby clothes out of leather and old paper bags
“Why dresses?”
“it could be a girl”
“yeah but what if it’s a boy??”
“babies don’t understand or give a shit about the concept of gender norms”
~*cuddling on the couch*
“I hope it has your eyes 💜 :)”
“I hope it has yours! 💛”
“I hope it gets your skin color”
“I hope it gets your ears”
~mom, holding her blade to dad’s neck: “ur damn fuccin rite it’s gonna get my ears”
~Mom got insatiable cravings for weird shit, at unpredictable moments:
- Tuna chunks in cool whip at 3am on a sunday
- Glowstick liquid and gunpowder during Netflix and Chill
- Sheep eyes, Hawaiian pizza, and Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup at a rodeo
- “sweetie, I’m not ordering rum and coke, it’ll give the baby defects”
“if you don’t order the goddamn alcohol I’ll give you defects”
~bought “baby toys” (wrenches, rubber mallets, 2x4s, miscellaneous doorknobs and lightswitches) from Home Depot
~used one of those pregnancy speakers to play Five Finger Death Punch and Cotton Eyed Joe Gregorian Chant Nightcore Hard-core Dubstep Remix
~argued over whether the baby should have a flock of seagulls haircut, a beehive, scene hair, mullet or bowl cut
~“Kolivan, what do you think the gestation period is for a guman/halra hybrid???”
“fuck if I know lmao good luck figuring it out tho, Thace is sending a fruit basket”
~on more than one occasion mom thought the baby’s kicks were contractions
~Dad broke out his six generation heirloom 1001 Dad Jokes and practiced on the dogs until they bit his ankles
~He also started eating his own weight in hostess cakes and wearing a fanny pack:
“this is the ideal dad bod. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like”
~their list of names included Akira, Gerald, Steven, Brick, Joan of Arc, Dagger, Gunner, WWII, Mustard Gas, and Clint Eastwood
~“Sweetheart, I just really want its name to rhyme with Teeth”
“?¿?”
“ think about it… Teeth are… they’re sharp… and sexy…”
~had a baby shower except it was a group of confused women having a cheeky, literal showering session at the local gym
~Mom, waking up in a cold sweat: what if it looks like Lotor?
~Mom, three seconds later: “babe? Wake up, it’s important. I think the baby should have your ugly ears”
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