treshornyboys:

my local radio DJ: to the woman who has called in to request Wonderland Round Three 27 times in a row: We don’t know what that is or who “Beatmaster McElroy” is nor do we care that his song “majorly slaps.” Please stop calling.

me: *furiously pressing redial*

hot-chubbies-with-cheese:

nO you guys don’t understand

*blatant misinformation*

kairisparda:

When you find a bra that fits

ariaste:

thottyanneconway:

Having a sibling or three really like….gave you interpersonal skills and moral exercises from an early age that people who were only children had to learn later on, because nothing makes your brain work overtime than having a ride or die relationship with someone who you would suplex through the dining room table in a second if they touched your shit, but you’d also stand up and take the blame for some shit if you knew it wasn’t their fault or stepping in and swinging if they were being bullied by someone else

Also gives you a keenly honed ability to lie, wide-eyed and plausibly and at the drop of a hat, because you definitely had Nothing To Do With This Situation, How Could You Even Think This Of Me, Papá

panicatthekogane:

Things Keith’s parents definitely did while they were expecting him

~took turns throwing darts at a map to figure out where to have the birth so the baby isn’t documented and doesn’t get a birth certificate

~made a nursery with black walls, no windows, lots of lava lamps and neon signs, and a crib made out of cow bones

~made baby clothes out of leather and old paper bags

“Why dresses?”

“it could be a girl”

“yeah but what if it’s a boy??”

“babies don’t understand or give a shit about the concept of gender norms”

~*cuddling on the couch*

“I hope it has your eyes 💜 :)”

“I hope it has yours! 💛”

“I hope it gets your skin color”

“I hope it gets your ears”

~mom, holding her blade to dad’s neck: “ur damn fuccin rite it’s gonna get my ears”

~Mom got insatiable cravings for weird shit, at unpredictable moments:

1. Tuna chunks in cool whip at 3am on a sunday
2. Glowstick liquid and gunpowder during Netflix and Chill
3. Sheep eyes, Hawaiian pizza, and Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup at a rodeo
4. “sweetie, I’m not ordering rum and coke, it’ll give the baby defects”

“if you don’t order the goddamn alcohol I’ll give you defects”

~bought “baby toys” (wrenches, rubber mallets, 2x4s, miscellaneous doorknobs and lightswitches) from Home Depot

~used one of those pregnancy speakers to play Five Finger Death Punch and Cotton Eyed Joe Gregorian Chant Nightcore Hard-core Dubstep Remix

~argued over whether the baby should have a flock of seagulls haircut, a beehive, scene hair, mullet or bowl cut

~“Kolivan, what do you think the gestation period is for a guman/halra hybrid???”

“fuck if I know lmao good luck figuring it out tho, Thace is sending a fruit basket”

~on more than one occasion mom thought the baby’s kicks were contractions

~Dad broke out his six generation heirloom 1001 Dad Jokes and practiced on the dogs until they bit his ankles

~He also started eating his own weight in hostess cakes and wearing a fanny pack:

“this is the ideal dad bod. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like”

~their list of names included Akira, Gerald, Steven, Brick, Joan of Arc, Dagger, Gunner, WWII, Mustard Gas, and Clint Eastwood

~“Sweetheart, I just really want its name to rhyme with Teeth”

“?¿?”

“ think about it… Teeth are… they’re sharp… and sexy…”

~had a baby shower except it was a group of confused women having a cheeky, literal showering session at the local gym

~Mom, waking up in a cold sweat: what if it looks like Lotor?

~Mom, three seconds later: “babe? Wake up, it’s important. I think the baby should have your ugly ears”